


Chris, You Ignorant Slut

by EarthmanNoEarth, Scalene_Waffles



Category: Total Drama (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Trans Noah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26951446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthmanNoEarth/pseuds/EarthmanNoEarth, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scalene_Waffles/pseuds/Scalene_Waffles
Summary: Noah wakes up to discover that Eva, Izzy, and all their friends are throwing him and Owen a baby shower. Between that, Chris’s unearned presence, Tyler’s confusion, Alejandro and Heather’s discovery, and much more it’s sure to be a day to remember.
Relationships: Alejandro Burromuerto/Heather, Chef Hatchet/Chris McLean, Noah/Owen (Total Drama)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	1. Seven to Ten

Seven’o’clock. 

Noah woke once more, an intense pressure on his bladder. Glancing to the other side of the bed, he noticed that Owen had already gotten up, probably running down to the supermarket or to pick up some coffee and, for Noah, hot chocolate. Following the immense trouble it took to stand up, he plodded down the hall to the bathroom. Thankfully, he had been granted an exemption from the usual morning sickness pregnancy had cursed him with. 

Oh wait, we should back up real fast. You see, Noah was a trans man. Though he had had top surgery before Total Drama, he had figured that was enough. He decided that that was all he needed and didn’t bother with anything else, meaning he could get pregnant. And he had. 

Noah pushed the bathroom door open, flicked the light on, and immediately wet his pants when he saw at least a dozen people crammed in his bathroom, standing there silently. “SURPRISE!” the roughly fifteen people shouted, waving streamers and throwing confetti. Three seconds of awkward silence passed before Noah realized who was standing there. “DJ? Izzy? Eva?” he fumbled out, “What are you doing in my bathroom? And with thirteen of our friends? And also Alejandro?” 

“Hey!” Alejandro was not pleased. 

Izzy broke through the cramped crowd in the bathroom and put a friendly arm around Noah, “Good news Noah! I realized that you weren’t having a baby shower and I decided to throw you one! Aren’t you glad?” 

“No,” Noah tugged his shirt down to cover the wet spot on his pants, “And why are you in my bathroom?” 

“It’s a baby shower! Baby,” she poked Noah’s stomach, “Shower!” She gestured towards the shower. “I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.” 

“Izzy,” he died a little inside, “You do realize that I have to shower? And it’ll be like forty minutes before I’m ready? And that Owen’s out shopping?”

“I told you,” DJ spoke up, “I told you we should have waited.” 

“Oh…..” Izzy froze briefly before bouncing out the door and waving the others out, “We’ll just wait! It’s all we ever do on this mortal coil, anyways.” One by one, the guests filed out. DJ and Eva regretting letting Izzy organize the party, Katie and Sadie giggling about something, Alejandro grumbling about Noah’s comment, Cody and Harold smiling sheepishly, Lindsey and Tyler fawning over something on their phones, Beth, Geoff, Gwen, Emma, Kitty, and Ezekiel were next. Bringing up the rear was Duncan, who showed Noah a picture of him, standing in the bathroom doorway and staring at the guests with a terrified look on his face. “You shoulda seen your face!” he cackled as he walked off. 

————————————————————

Eight’o’clock. 

Freshly washed and with a new pair of pants, Noah exited the bathroom and took in the living room before him. The chairs and couches had been pushed up against the walls, and several more were placed out to provide more seating. Three tables were set up with as much food as they could hold. It looked like a perfect party, except for one thing-the people. Most of his former Total Drama cast mates were gathered sitting, eating, and chatting. He could also spot Emma and Kitty, as well as DJ’s mommas. If he hurried he could avoid them all and make it back to the bedroom in time for the NCIS season premiere. Unfortunately, someone-an awfully cute someone-approached him before he could. Owen handed Noah his hot cocoa before wrapping him in a gentle hug, “Buddy,” he covered Noah’s face with kisses, “Can you believe this party they’re throwing for us? Isn’t it great!” 

“Great isn’t the word I’d use for it,” Noah stood still and memorized the hug; he’d need something happy to hold onto if he was going to make it through the day. “Anyways, NCIS is on and I need to make sure Gibbs survives the episode.” 

Once again his plan was foiled when Bridgette approached with a cardboard box, “Not so fast, bucko,” she held out the box, revealing it to be filled to the brim with fresh strawberries, “Geoff drove an hour to get these fresh from the farm and it would be a shame if they went to waste.”

Face to face with his biggest craving, Noah struggled to act disinterested, “They don’t have to go to waste, just give them to me.” 

Bridgette smiled slyly, “Well if you want some, feel free to grab them. They’ll be all the way over there.” She pointed all the way across the room to the door, where an end table the perfect size for a box of strawberries had been set up. All that stood between it and Noah was a sea of people, most of whom he didn’t really want to talk to that much. He quickly spotted Bridgette pushing through the crowd, strawberries in hand. If he moved quickly he could intercept her. Unfortunately, he could not move quickly. After not even four steps an arm grabbed him and held him in place. 

“HEY EVERYONE!” Geoff shouted with a strong grip on Noah’s sweater, “The star of the show is here!” That caught everyone’s attention, and they gathered in a loose semicircle around the two. Geoff gave Bridgette a salute as she hurried off with the fruit. Noah tried to keep his eyes on Bridgette, but he lost her among the crowd and the barrage of congrats and questions.

"Congratulations man!" "How are you feeling?" "You excited for the party?" "So are you ever gonna replace that plant?"

Noah never answered any of the questions or comments. He just looked at Geoff, who still had a grasp on him. "You too?"

"No", Geoff laughed. "For you two", he pointed at Noah's stomach. Before Noah could respond to Geoff's bad joke, a certain voice stood out from the rest

"NOLAN!"

Noah groaned before turning at the voice's direction. There was only one voice he knew that would botch his name like that. "This is so exciting", Lindsay squealed and shook her fist together. "You ready to see the baby today?"

Noah glared at her for a moment, before shaking his own fist and putting on a fake smile. "No", he answered, mocking Lindsay's excitement. "Baby isn't due for another 2 months."

Lindsay's smile changed to a frown and she visibly drooped. "Oh."

"Well", Noah got loose from Geoff's grip. "I have had a ball, but NCIS is waiting for me." But before he left, a different pastier arm grabbed.

"Aw come on man", Gwen said, pulling him back. "It's your own shower. Are you really gonna ditch it for a crime show?"

"Yes", Noah bluntly answered with a straight face.

Gwen stared at him, she should've known what the answer was. She took Noah a bit to the side away from Geoff's view. "Look. We get it. Parties aren't your thing with your whole "I hate everybody" attitude. And one antisocial to another, I respect that. But, Izzy, Eva, and Geoff worked hard on this."

"So the Surfers are in on it too? Well if they think they're gonna guest judge on my show again, they have another-"

"Noah", Gwen interrupted. "They did this for you, and Owen. And I know I'm probably the last person to say this, but, you could give this party a chance. You might have fun."

Noah looked around at all the people currently invading his living room, listening to some story Geoff was telling. He really didn't want them at a party, let alone one in his own apartment. But then again, his husband was laughing and having a good time. Maybe he could wait a few minutes before kicking them out. 

"Fine", he agreed to keep the party going. "But only because they brought strawberries here." Gwen rolled her eyes. She supposed she could live with that.

Noah half-heartedly walked back towards the crowd. "So", he said to Geoff, Izzy, and Eva. "I guess I have you three to "thank" for this?"

Izzy nodded, and snapped a party hat on Noah's head. "And don't worry! We thought of everything! The food, the games, the decorations", she listed off as she snapped a second party hat on Noah's stomach. "So you don't have to lift a finger" she booped his nose for emphasis. Emphasis on what was unknown, but that's just Izzy for you.

Noah flicked Izzy's hand off his nose and looked at the decorations. All the tables and balloons, and the banner over his wall. It was pretty impressive for an hour's work and…. Wait a minute. There was no way they could move all his furniture, set up tables, and decorate over the hour he was getting ready. Even with the help of all the people from his bathroom. And how did they even get into his bathroom? Then Noah remembered exactly who two of the masterminds were. 

“Did...did you guys come here during the night”, he asked cautiously.

“Yeah”, Eva smirked. “It was pretty easy.”

_______________________________________

Midnight. 

Duncan was sleeping on Noah and Owens' couch, snoring lightly. A huddle of pet corgis laid around the couch beside him. After getting out of jail, Duncan had managed to reconnect with Courtney and things had been going well for a while. Unfortunately, they had hit another dry spell and, too cheap to rent his own place, Duncan was crashing on Noah and Owen’s couch while he patched things up with the ex-CIT. Due to his felon status, he had had a hard time getting a job, but Owen had graciously offered him a cameraman position on the cooking show he and Noah hosted.

Suddenly, Duncan awoke to a loud crash, and witnessed the front door falling to the floor. The corgis, also now awake, start barking wildly as Duncan tries to keep them quiet. It didn't last long though, when they saw who was entering. Izzy and Eva came through the door, carrying boxes of party decor and a large banner. Behind them, Ezekiel trailed along on all fours, wearing party hats all over his head, and carrying streamers in his mouth.

Duncan groaned and got off the couch to start taking the boxes to the kitchen. “I told you guys I would open the door."

“We know”, Izzy said. “But it’s more fun this way.”

_______________________________________

"Well, that explains the draft.” Noah thought aloud, before taking another sip from his hot chocolate. He glanced across the room warily, desperately eyeing the strawberries. Maybe if he made a run for it, he would be able to get some without being stopped. The problem with that was he had never been able to run fast in his life, least of all when he was pregnant. “Fine,” he grimaced, “Guess I’ll go,” he grimaced harder, “Socialize.” He took a few steps before one of DJ’s mommas grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into a conversation. He was SO going to regret this. 

_______________________________________

Nine’o’clock. 

Owen surveyed the crowd at the party. It had certainly been a surprise to find so many in their cramped apartment when he woke up, but he was more than happy to host. Everyone was smiling and laughing, even Noah. Well, not exactly Noah. Though he held the same bored expression as usual, Owen could tell that his hubby was reluctantly enjoying himself. Over time he had become accustomed to Noah’s way of showing emotion. The corners of his mouth were slightly raised, he was slouching a bit, and his hands were clasped in front of his stomach, holding his hot chocolate. To everyone else, he looked like he always did. In Owen’s eyes, however, Noah was practically bouncing off the walls. Not everyone was happy, though. A certain Spaniard stood in front of the bathroom, worriedly texting someone. Owen trotted over td and greeted Alejandro, “Al…..ejandro!” he still used the nickname on accident sometimes, “What's getting your goat, buddy?” 

Alejandro waved his hand, brushing off any concerns, “Nothing to worry about, amigo. Heather’s been holed up in the bathroom for the last half hour and she isn’t responding to my texts. As I like to say, es nada.” 

“Have you tried knocking?” Owen stroked his beard as he tried to think.

“No response. I’m sure she’s fine, I’ll just wait and-“ Alejandro was interrupted by the bathroom door opening and Heather stepping out, her hair had been hastily put up in a ponytail, she was slightly pale, and she smelled of cleaning supplies. “¡Mi amor!” the Spaniard wrapped an arm around his wife and planted a kiss on her cheek, “Are you okay?” 

“Yes,” she sounded a bit shaken up, “Just an upset stomach. Soda never agrees with me this early in the morning.” 

“That was an awfully long time just for soda.”

“I swear it’s fine. My stomach’s just been really touchy recently.”

“Are you sick?” 

“Please sweetie, you don’t need to worry. I’m feeling better now; we can enjoy the party.” Heather smiled softly, but Alejandro frowned a little bit.

Owen coughed and caught the attention of the other two, “You know there’s a doctor at the party right? We can just ask him to give you a quick check-up!” 

“Oh that’s really not necesse-“ Heather frantically tried to stop Owen.

“Ohhhhhhh DJ!” he called across the room. DJ, who was making paper flowers with Beth, heard his name and looked up. Seeing it was Owen who called for him, he politely paused their flower making session and hustled over. 

“What’s up, guys?” he greeted, nodding at each of the three gathered around the bathroom. He turned to Owen. "Everything ok? Is Noah alright?" DJ was Noah's doctor throughout his pregnancy, mostly due to them living three floors away from each other.

"Yeah he's having a good time", Owen pointed to his husband, looking the same as ever. "But, it's actually about Heather."

“Heather has not been feeling well,” Alejandro explained, “And we were wondering if you could run through her symptoms quickly to ensure it’s nothing serious.” 

“You cannot seriously be going along with this.” 

“Shush, mi amor,” Alejandro said in a sweet tone that made Heather roll her eyes. 

Content with his help, Owen wandered off to continue mingling with the other guests. DJ pulled up the notes app on his phone and an illegal pdf copy he had made of his med school textbook. “Nausea?”

“Obviously,” she rolled her eyes.

“Constipation.”

“I guess.” 

“Cramps?”

“A little.” 

“Fatigue?” 

“Oh, definitely.” 

“Peeing a lot?” 

“A bit.” 

DJ’s eyes narrowed a little, and he quickly jumped to a specific page of his pdf, “Congestion?” 

“Probably just allergies, but yeah.”

“Soreness in the chest area?”

She frowned a bit, “I mean, yes? Haven’t you asked enough questions already?”

“One more. Have you had, er, that time of month, recently?” 

“No….?”

“You’re pregnant.” Both Heather and Alejandro froze, assuming shocked expressions. Though Heather’s quickly turned to one of horror, Alejandro’s became one of pure, unbridled excitement. Before either could say anything, he grabbed Heather by the shoulders and swept her into a kiss. After a full thirty seconds of DJ standing there awkwardly, Alejandro broke the embrace. 

“I can’t believe it,” an ecstatic smile spread across his face, “This is the best day of my life.” 

DJ coughed before they could continue, “The symptoms match, but you should probably make sure. There’s a pharmacy a fifteen minute drive from here. Might want to swing by and grab a test.” Not wanting to watch them make out any longer, he crossed the room and returned to making paper flowers. 

“I...I did not expect this,” Heather stammered out. “Everything’s going to be different.” 

“Yes,” Alejandro hugged her, nestling her head under his chin, “They’re going to be so much better.” Heather stretched up to her tiptoes and kissed him lightly on the cheek. 

Halfway across the room and in a much less romantic scenario, Duncan sat a table, looking over photos on his phone with Sierra. 

“Let’s see,” Sierra mused, “You got one with some spittle flying out of his mouth, that’s 25. Flailing his arms wildly, 20. His eyes have somehow turned red in this one, 30. Didn’t you say he peed his pants when you scared him?” 

“Yeah,” Duncan chuckled, “You could see the wet spot form when we yelled ‘surprise’.”

“Did you get a picture with the wet spot in frame?” 

“I don’t think so. Maybe if we enhance a bit we’ll be able to see it?”

“That’s not how photography works. Look, this here,” she pointed to Duncan’s phone, “all together is worth $75. Get me a picture of Noah having wet his pants and I’ll throw in another $100 on top.” 

“$100?” 

“$100.”

“Why do you even need a picture of that?” 

“Some people have very strange, for lack of a better word, "interests".”

“Well,” Duncan considered, “This is definitely ethically wrong, but I am strapped for cash right now so it’s a deal.” They shook on it and Duncan casually stood up to go find Noah. However, before he could even take one step, Alejandro ran up and grabbed him by the shoulders. 

“Heather’s pregnant!” he cried gleefully before dashing off. Filing that away to congratulate Alejandro on later, Duncan headed to the buffet to grab a tall glass of punch for the party boy. How hard would it be to make him pee himself? His bladder was like the size of a walnut. 

Unbeknownst to Duncan and Sierra, someone had been watching their conversation. Although years of physical and mental therapy, not to mention the care of Eva and Izzy, had done wonders for Ezekiel, he still had not regained his speech or completely lost his animalistic instincts. So when he heard Duncan plotting against his neighbor, Ezekiel sprung into action. He knew trying to communicate with the other humans would take too long, so he went elsewhere for help. 

Noah and Owen had five corgis; Eyeballs, London, Coconut, Squeegee, and Chewy. Currently they were napping in a pile on the couch where Duncan usually slept. Ezekiel nudged them and awoke them. After a bit of grunting, pointing, and growling, he managed to make his point: keep Duncan away from Noah. Four of the corgis set out to follow Duncan, but one had a special task. Chewy headed off to Noah and Owen’s bedroom to bring in special forces. 

When he was young, Noah’s family adopted a golden retriever, who had quickly bonded with Noah and was named Ark. After moving in with Owen, Noah had taken Ark off his parent’s hands and the elderly pup now resided with them. One the retriever was woken up from her nap, Chewy informed Ark of the scenario. Ready to protect her owner, Ark trotted out of the bedroom and into the fray. Duncan wouldn’t be taking any photos of Noah pissing his pants. Not today, and not ever. 

_______________________________________

Ten'o'clock.

"Heather's pregnant!" Noah's conversation with Eva was interrupted when he was suddenly forced into a hug by Alejandro, his hot chocolate almost spilling in the process. Alejandro then went to hug Eva beside him.

"Heather's preg-"

Alejandro suddenly stopped himself when he was met by Eva's cold glare that screamed ‘hug me and it'll be the last thing your arms do’. He awkwardly put his arms down and started heading to Emma. Noah rolled his eyes as he took another drink from his cocoa. Of course even at his own party, he somehow managed to get usurped by Total Drama's old ‘enemy couple’.

"I can’t believe Heather got pregnant at my baby shower", he grumbled.

Eva laughed. "When you put it like that, it sounds a lot different and a lot worse."

Alejandro had finished hugging Emma, the last person he had told the news. Though, not quite the last person he hugged.

"Hey", Owen flagged Alejandro down. "I heard you're gonna be a dad too!" He stretched his arms out as he walked closer to Alejandro. "Bring it in, Palejandro!"

Alejandro winced. While he was on better terms with Owen now, he still wasn't keen on Owen's insistence of physical affection. "Ohh….Owen that isn't really necessa-"

Alejandro was cut off when his mouth met Owen's tuxedo shirt. He couldn't breathe, and he was pretty sure he heard his spine snap for a second. The smothering torture lasted five seconds, before Owen's grasp loosened and Alejandro gasped for air. He wondered how Noah had lasted through that for almost a decade.

"I'm so happy for you buddy", Owen didn't at all seem to notice Alejandro's struggle. He looked around at the other guests. "Well, where's the new mommy?"

"She drove down to the pharmacy to get an actual pregnancy test", Alejandro explained, his breathing regulated. He then realized he might have gotten excited a little too early when telling everybody.

Owen gasped. "Is that safe? What if she IS pregnant?

"Owen, you know pregnant people can drive, right?"

Owen didn't answer the question, and instead just stared blanky, like this was a new revelation. And Alejandro realized that was because for Owen, it was. "Have you not been letting Noah drive?"

"No. I didn't want something to happen to him, just in case. I actually hid his car keys at one point", Owen scratched the back of his head. "Though I can't really remember where I put them."

Alejandro looked at Owen. It was a little overboard, but was Owen actually…. thinking? Could it be that all this time Alejandro didn't think the big guy had a brain, he actually did?

"You've been really protective about Noah, haven't you amigo?"

Owen nodded. "I have to be! I mean, I never want anything to happen to my little buddy, but I ESPECIALLY don't want him hurt in his condition now! And you'll have to be with Heather too! You don't want something bad to happen to her or the baby, you know?"

Alejandro was shocked. He never thought he'd lived to see the day where Owen had a point.

"So", Alejandro wanted clarification that his hearing was working right, "I need to be more protective of Heather now?"

"Definitely", Owen pulled Alejandro by the shoulder into an arm hold. "Al, bud...I mean, Alejandro, bud, there is a LOT to learn about becoming a dad-to-be. First of all, when they get morning sickness"

Alejandro blinked as Owen started listing a bunch of other things he had been doing to take care of Noah. He suddenly felt like he was gonna regret the rest of the party. 

Over two hours after he had set out, Noah finally made it to the strawberry table. It had taken talking to everyone at the party, in some cases multiple times, but he was finally going to get his reward. Bridgette was standing waiting with a smirk on her face. She went to say something, but Noah held a finger up, silencing her. He grabbed three of the paper trays next to the strawberry crate, and overloaded all three with the fruit. Tossing his empty hot chocolate cup in the trash, he began devouring his treats like a python swallowing its prey whole. Sometimes he didn’t even bother eating around the tops. In ten minutes all sixty strawberries he had taken were gone. The two pound crate of strawberries was nearly empty. “So,” Bridgette spoke up a bit fearfully, “I take it you’ve been having cravings.”

“No not at all,” noticing a strawberry still left on Bridgette’s plate, he grabbed it and quickly ate it, “Why do you say that?” 

Cody, blissfully unaware, approached the strawberries, “Oh hey! I didn’t know there were strawberries.” He reaches for the crate. 

Noah karate chopped Cody’s arm, making him yelp in pain, “Not for you,” he growled at the geek. With that out of the way, he turned to Bridgette, “So how have things been going for you?” 

Bridgette placed a free hand on her stomach, which was very clearly pregnant, “Once you hit number four, it stops being all that stressful. Gets a lot less exciting, though.”

Noah nodded. He was definitely never getting pregnant again after this. 

Elsewhere in the room, making paper flowers with Beth, Tyler stared at Noah curiously. “Y’know Beth, how exactly did Noah get pregnant. I thought it was just women who could do that.” 

Beth shrugged, “I don’t know. On the farm we used to joke that if you got a bit too frisky with a horse then-“

“No offense but I really don’t want to hear the rest of that thought.” 

Beth shrugged again, “That’s fair.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully, “Why don’t you just ask him? Or Owen?” 

“I can’t ask him why he’s pregnant! That’s rude!”

“What about DJ? He’s been helping Noah out with stuff, maybe he’ll know.” 

Tyler stood up and smiled dopily, “Great idea Beth! Nothing could ever go wrong!” He shot finger guns at her and strolled off to find DJ. 

Back at the strawberries, Noah groaned and winced in discomfort. It seemed like the baby realized the party was for them, and was now kicking wildly from inside Noah's stomach. They clearly wanted the attention a lot more than the father.

But that was only the second thing bothering him right now.

“Some elephants are pregnant for up to twenty two months", Harold spat out from the top of his head. "Hamster pregnancies on the other hand can be as short as sixteen days.”

Noah looked over at Cody, and made a mocking hand talking. Cody snickered as Harold continued, not noticing a thing.

Noah sighed and put a hand on his stomach. Cody stopped snickering and looked concerned. "What's wrong man?"

"Kicking", Noah answered. Cody looked excitedly, and started to put an arm out. "Can I feel it?"

"No." 

Cody put his arm back, a little disappointed.

Noah looked around his slightly cramped apartment. He probably wouldn't ever admit it, but so far, things weren't as bad as he thought they would be. True, he had been forced into five conversations and currently a friend babbling his ear off, but it was mostly tolerable. He could definitely imagine worse things that could happen.

"HELLO, LOSERS!"

Speak of the devil. Everyone's heads turned to the front space in Noah and Owens' wall, which had previously held their door. Standing in there, a beer keg in tow, stood a slightly older, but still recognizable, Chef Hatchet and Chris McLean.

"Now this party can REALLY get started!"

Noah groaned. As if this party couldn't get anymore forced.


	2. Ten to Twelve

Ten thirty.

Izzy was in the middle of telling Kitty a story involving a bear and a chainsaw when Noah had suddenly grabbed her away by the arm.

He took her over to Eva and Geoff near the hallway from the living room.

"What is HE doing here", he asked them harshly. While he never wanted anyone here at his apartment today, he would've gladly let them all rent in to escape five minutes of their told tormentor stinking up his living room.

Geoff shook his head and put his hands up in a defense mode. "I don't know dude. We didn't invite him."

"Yeah, we're not crazy", Eva reassured Noah. She then looked over at Izzy, and realized the flaw in that sentence. "Well, not THAT crazy."

"Yeah", Izzy agreed, not at all catching the light roast from her girlfriend. "Give us some credit. But...who would be crazy enough to invite him?

"HEY GUYS", Sierra said from behind, spooking them. "So, do you like my surprise guest?”

Noah paled. Was this stalker really crazy enough to invite the one person everyone else absolutely hated?

“...YOU invited Chris”, Eva asked the question on all four of their minds.

Sierra nodded, oblivious to the anger on everyone’s faces. “YES! I saw you guys forgot to include him in the e-vite. EEE! It’s like a little Total Drama reunion!”

"So where can we put this keg", Chris asked, away from their view. "Case you guys were worried I'd show up empty-handed."

Noah wanted to die. Again. Only Chris would bring a beer keg to a baby shower. He clasped his hands together and sighed. 

"Well, letting the party go on this long has clearly been a mistake. So, yeah, let's start shutting it down."

"WHAT? No", Izzy protested. "We didn't even get to the piñata yet!"

"Well if I have to wait that long listening to that sociopath spit trash, something IS going to break in two", Noah started to step out towards the living room again.

"Come on man", Geoff tried to coax him into changing his mind. "It may not be too bad. At least we don't have to worry about staring in the face of death this time."

Noah rolled his eyes at the surfer's comment. "Wow. Such a compelling argument."

"We jumped through way too many hoops to blow up three dozen balloons quietly at two in the morning. We're continuing the shower", Eva said, plain as fact. 

"But Eva-"

"That wasn't a question", Eva glared at Noah. He really wanted to press more on this, but he knew with Eva, it was like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall that could break his arm.

Noah sighed, and put a hand on his stomach, trying in vain to soothe the kicking. He was going through enough mental pain to add this on top of it.

"Don't worry bro", Geoff reassured him. "We promise you won't have to talk to him."

"Hey there, nerd brain!"

To contradict Noah a third time, Chris started to walk towards the four. Pretty funny how the universe works like that, isn't it? Well, Noah certainly wasn't finding it funny.

"Yeah, guess you dudes forgot to send me the e-vite", Chris ribbed Noah with his elbow. "But you know it wouldn't be a true reunion without your old host right?"

Chris chuckled, and looked down at Noah's large stomach, the party hat still resting on it in front of Noah's hand.

"Yeesh. You sure have packed on the pounds over the years huh? Guess the big guy and cooking show have softened ya."

Noah glared at Chris, not once responding to him. Not that he had much time to answer anyway, as Chris started to move on to greet some of the other guests. He was nonchalant, as if he wasn't in charge of their adolescent brushes with deaths.

Noah glared at Geoff for the extremely short lived promise. "Ok, we promise you don't have to talk to him a second time", Geoff revised his statement, before walking around to find Bridgette. Eva patted Noah's shoulder, and soon left with Izzy to the hallway, leaving Noah by himself.

Noah was about to walk towards the strawberry table, but stopped dead in his tracks when one question from Chris caught his ears.

"So who's this party for anyway?"

Noah whipped around to see Chris asking Lindsay and Beth. But what really caught his attention was how, right at the moment, Chris was standing under the huge banner Izzy and Eva put up on his wall reading "CONGRATULATIONS NOAH" in big blue letters.

The answer was literally over his head. Noah couldn't believe the utter bullshit he was seeing right now. 

Duncan came up to Noah with an enormous fruit punch pitcher in hand, with corgis Eyeballs and Squeegee chewing on his pants legs furiously.

"You want a drink", he asked in an almost wicked tone. Normally Noah would've found it suspicious, but his brain was already frying from hearing Chris.

"Duncan. Give me that keg", he asked his cameraman, in an almost joking tone. It was times like this he wished he could drink.

"BUDDY NO", Noah heard his husband shout from the other room, and watched Owen nearly tackle Duncan to the floor.

He REALLY wished he could drink.

________________________________________

Eleven'o'clock. 

“So who's this party for, anyway?” Chris lounged in a chair that wasn’t made to be lounged in. 

Chef sat next to him, beer in hand, “Did you not read the invite?”

“Nah, I figured I’d figure it out when I got here.” 

“Is it not obvious enough?” 

“Oh sure,” Chris tried to cover up for his idiocy, “The party’s for….its for…..for uh…..Courtney! Yeah, Courtney!” 

“This is a baby shower, dude.” 

“And?”

“Courtney ain’t even pregnant.” 

“Oh.”

Lindsey, who had been listening in, bravely stepped up and walked over to Chris, “Silly billy Chris, Noah’s the one-“ 

Beth suddenly came up from behind Lindsey, clapped a hand over the blonde’s mouth, and dragged her away from the ex-hosts. 

Chris stroked his chin in thought, what a rarity. "Noah, huh?"

Beth took Lindsay out to the kitchen, where Cody and Harold were setting up the beer keg. Duncan walked by them to get some cups of punch by one of the tables. Beth uncovered Lindsay's mouth.

"Beth what's wrong", Lindsay asked in earnest.

“Lindsey, I was talking to DJ and apparently Noah’s a trans guy. I’m not sure what Chris would think of that. He always had anti-LGBT vibes to me.”

“Isn’t he gay though?”

“Fair point. But remember when he found out Shawn was trans at that one reunion party and got really weird about it? I’m worried that he might be the same way with Noah.” 

“I’ll ask Noah about it,” Lindsey assured her bestie, “I’m sure it’ll all work out eventu-“

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!"

Lindsay and Beth's heads turn to see Emma, visibly enraged by the comment of a certain ex-host.

"Well of course you are", Chris didn't catch a thing. "Ain't you and Noah like, you know, a couple? From your race show a bit back?"

"That was SEVEN YEARS ago", Emma shouted at him. "We broke up!"

"Really? I don't remember seeing that episode. Was it on a different show or-"

"It wasn't on a show AT ALL!"

Chris stared at Emma, confused. "But why would you break up if you aren't gonna exploit it for ratings?"

Emma facepalmed. The audacity of this man. Still standing at the strawberry table and in the middle of a conversation with Gwen when the shouting match had happened, Bridgette’s interest was piqued. 

“Does he not know Noah’s the pregnant one?” the surfer asked, honestly a bit worried. 

“It seems he doesn’t,” Gwen grimaced a bit. 

“How long do you think it’ll take him to figure it out?” knowing what was next, Bridgette reached for her wallet. 

“20 bucks says three hours or less.” 

"Pretty naive to assume Chris would piece it together that fast. Fifty that it won't hit him til later tonight."

"Deal." They shook on it, Gwen spitting in her hand before the shake, much to Bridgette’s disgust. Tyler sauntered up to them. "Hey girls. So um... Noah's pregnant huh? Uh...do you know how that happened?"

They two girls looked at him, before Gwen took out her wallet.

"So how much would you wager on him", she pointed to Tyler, "figuring it out?"

"Tyler probably COULD figure it out in three hours."

At another food table, Alejandro was trying to figure out how he could get out of his current conversation.

"And of course, there's cravings. Boy, I tell you. My little buddy these past few months has wanted nothing but strawberries. There was one time he left the car to eat them straight off the bramble." Owen laughed. "Of course, don't let Heather do that, cause he got food poisoning the next day. That was not a fun week."

It was a whole hour now of listening to the big guy drone on about various stories of the past months looking after Noah. Alejandro regretted his previous thought that Owen had some good advice.

Alejandro perked when he saw his wife come through the hole where the door used to be. "¡Mi amor!", he started to walk towards her with open arms. "How are y-"

Before he could finish, Heather quickly walked past him to the bathroom and locked the door, not stopping once. Immediately worried for her, Alejandro leaned up against the door, hoping to hear an indication that she was okay. He could hear cardboard crinkling, likely the box of the pregnancy test. Knowing what was next, he took a step or two back. He felt something nudge his hand-it was Owen’s hand. Though he had never been one for holding hands, Alejandro grasped Owen’s tightly as they waited.

"You ok?"

Alejandro nodded. "Just the moment of truth."

The two stood there a moment in silence, waiting for the possibly pregnant woman to come out, when the definitely pregnant man came up behind them.

"Is the bathroom taken?"

Owen nodded, not saying a word.

Noah sighed. Of course it was right when he needed it. And the baby seemed certain to speed the need faster, kicking at his bladder.

“Sometimes I wonder if this kid does this stuff on purpose", he thought. "Maybe this is a warning we're gonna have a troublemaker.”

His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed an elderly golden labrador exit from their bedroom. He bent down as well as he could to pet her.

"Hey Ark", he said softly as he rubbed her ears. "You decide to join the party too?"

Ark took in the rubs, burrowing her face further into Noah's hand. From the corner of her eye, she could see Duncan sneaking up from behind holding a camera in one hand, and a megaphone in the other, and looked about ready to blow in it.

But before she even had to growl, the cameraman was taken down by Ezekiel and a pack of corgis before Noah even noticed. She closed her eyes again, the crisis averted, and went back to enjoying her ear rubs. Positive that Duncan was still foiled on getting his picture.

And speaking of positives, Alejandro heard a sudden commotion from inside the bathroom. “Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap. Oh no no no no no no,” he could overhear Heather panicking inside. 

“Heather!” he yelled to his wife, “Heather is it positive or negative?”

“Would she be reacting that way if it was negative?” Noah snarked, still standing nearby. 

“Noah I do not need to hear that right now.”

“I know,” Noah noticed a strawberry that had been dropped on the ground and discreetly stooped down to grab it, “But I’m telling you anyways.” 

Something inside Alejandro shifted. He had no idea where to even begin when it came to children. An overwhelming sense of dread set in, at least until he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, uh, Alebuddy,” Owen’s voice was quieter than usual, “I know I’ve been a bit annoying so far but I really do know about raising kids. Taking care of my little brothers when I was young taught me a lot. And I’ll help you out however I can.” 

Alejandro smiled wearily, “Gracias, amigo. I’ll gladly accept your aid.” His smile turned into a grin, “Hopefully Heather doesn’t get as weird about strawberries as Noah did.” 

“Oh yeah, it’s been terrifying. I love my little buddy, but after the baby comes, I never want to see another strawberry as long as I live.” 

“How have you been dealing with it?”

“One strawberry at a time. That’s not even the worst of it,” Owen giggled, “He once ate a whole pineapple, skin and all.” 

“Definitely a strange craving.”

“That wasn’t a craving. He did that two years ago.” Before Alejandro could question that statement, Owen bounded off to talk to someone else. Thankfully, his attention was quickly grabbed by something at the front of the room.

“Yo everyone!” Gwen shouted as Izzy pulled a wagon covered in a sheet into the room, “It’s piñata time!” Izzy dramatically unveiled the wagon, revealing a giant piñata modeled after a certain reality tv host’s face. 

“Sorry Chrissy,” Izzy addressed the highly confused host, “Though I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to take a bat to it, I would if I were in your shoes.”

“What is that even supposed to be?” in case it wasn’t obvious, Chris didn’t seem to get it, “Some sort of mangled poodle?” Duncan guffawed loudly. "Mangled demon is more like it."

Izzy took a bat and walked over to Noah. "Would you like to do the honors?"

Noah gladly took the bat into his hands with a devilish grin. "You really did make it worth keeping this shower going."

Gwen stood on a chair and hoisted the piñata up by the string. As Noah stepped towards it, Chris looked closer at the details. He started to notice, peeking through the mismatched face, that the black hair….the beady eyes….the chiseled (if crooked) smile….it sort of looked like...

"Wait, that's ME", he shouted right as Noah took the first whack. The piñata broke in two, and everybody cheered as candy poured into the floor, since it was the closest they would ever see to their old tormentor getting his head banged in. Except Cody, who immediately started heading toward the candy pile with wild eyes.

Izzy cheered as she reached to take the bat from Noah. Noah was reluctant, but eventually handed it over placing his now free hand on his stomach. Izzy reached out for it too, before Noah said "No." Izzy groaned, disappointed, but perked up when she showed the bat to the others.

"Who wants the next whack?"

The hands couldn't go up fast enough. Chris looked at them confused. "Next whack? The piñata's toast. Your short-lived catharsis is done!"

"Oh Chris", Gwen chuckled wickedly. Izzy handed the bat to Duncan and left to grab another wagon. "The great thing about piñata factories is", Izzy wheeled in the next wagon, and revealed an exact replica of the previous piñata, "They make LOTS of copies."

\---

"Oh! Sweet licorice! Cherry lollipops! Caramel chocolate mallomars! Oh, how I missed you"

Cody had quite the candy collection after twenty six Chris piñata heads had been mercilessly beaten into Noah and Owen's floor. While he busied himself with his candies, some of the others enjoyed a very different type of treat. 

Geoff has tapped the keg and a few of the partygoers eyed it, strongly desiring to get drunk. Though Noah made an attempt to swipe some, Owen stopped him. Geoff poured some glasses, but refused to drink any for whatever reason. Ultimately, Eva and Beth were the first two to step forward. Eva grabbed the first glass, took a long sip, and shuddered, “You probably don’t want any of this, Beth. It’ll knock your socks clean off.” 

Beth laughed politely, “I doubt that.” With that she grabbed a glass near overflowing, threw her head back, and chugged the beer as fast as she could. Within a minute, the cup had been drained. She immediately reached for another, smirking at Eva’s shocked stare, “I’m from a long line of moonshiners. From the day I turned eighteen I’ve been drinking the nastiest alcohol you’ve ever tasted.” 

“Please,” Eva quickly swiped a second cup as well, “A lightweight like you will last, what, three glasses? Five glasses? When it hits, you’ll be hit hard.” She chuckled, “I on the other hand, won’t.”

“Oh please, I’m no lightweight.”

“Care to test that hypothesis?” 

“You sound like a nerd,” Beth chuckled as both chugged the beer they had and reached for more. Eva was noticeably slower than Beth in the third drink, yet still held her ground. 

“Hey, hey, ladies,” the Codemeister slid up, “How are y’all doing?” 

“I’m gay,” Eva shrugged his advance off. 

“I’m married,” Beth did the same. 

“Oh. Hey, beer!” he excitedly grabbed a cup and downed in, realizing his mistake part way through and choking down the bitter contents. “OH MY GOD WHAT IS IN THIS!” the geek recoiled. 

“That’s real alcohol, get used to it,” Beth took a nice long sip, “Maybe you should try something lighter, this stuff will get you hammered in seconds.”

“Please, I’m no skinny college girl. I can handle the strong stuff,” Cody took a nice long sip, struggling to hold it down as his acid reflux complained.

“So it’s a contest then,” Eva grinned, “May the best drinker win.” All three grabbed a new cup and chugged.

________________________________________

Twelve’o’clock.

Chris was truly stumped. He had gone to nearly every girl at the party asking if they were the life of the party. Gwen laughed him off, Eva nearly bit his arm off, and DJ's Mommas...well, he was just grateful he managed to dodge the pepper spray.

He soon made his way to Lindsay and Tyler, the latter still looking extremely confused. Chris pointed at Lindsay's stomach, which was obscured by one of Tyler’s baggy sweatshirts.

"Are YOU pregnant?"

Lindsay's gasped. "Am I? Are you a future reader?"

Chris rolled his eyes. Those two questions gave him one answer.

"Well clearly you two don't know who this shower's for, I don't know why I even-"

"Wait. I thought it was for Noah", Tyler said. Lindsay tried to stop him by waving her hand in a "no" signal, but he didn't catch it.

Chris raised an eyebrow, before looking at Noah, eating strawberries off a plate next to Courtney. He didn't say anything for a moment, before bursting out laughing.

"That's a good one Tyler", he said in-between tears. "You nearly got me. Well, you guys enjoy... whoever's shower this is." He left them to head towards his husband, chatting with DJ at another part of the room.

Tyler scratched his head for a moment. "This is still Noah's shower, right?"

"I thought it was, but maybe now it's ours", Lindsay shrugged her shoulders. They were just as confused as Chris now.

Before he reached Chef, a realization struck Chris: Bridgette was pregnant. The baby shower must have been for her! There was surely no other solution, none at all. He dashed over to the surfer girl, a wide grin across his face, “Bridgette, congratulations! Odd choice of venue for your baby shower tho-“

“My baby shower was three weeks ago. Try again.” 

Chris snapped his fingers. The answer to this shouldn't be that hard. He saw Duncan running by with a camera and a pitcher of punch.

"Hey Duncan", Chris flagged the ex-delinquent down. Duncan glared at the host. "What? You gonna try to incarcerate me for a second time?"

"Maybe later. But, do you know who's shower this is?"

Duncan raised an eyebrow, before shrugging. "Oh. It's-"

Before he could continue, Duncan was interrupted by a group of corgis, and an Ezekiel, suddenly pouncing on him. Duncan yelled as the dogs barked and tried to drag away his camera.

Chris shrugged, before walking to the other side of the room. Maybe somebody with more braincells there would figure out who the party was for.

Halfway across the room, Noah still ate his strawberries in silence, not really looking to get into more conversation than he already had. Beside him, Courtney looked awkwardly as he ate. He clearly wasn't going to start a dialogue, but she felt like she had to say something to him.

"So", she started her sentence, hoping to gain Noah's attention. "Have you thought of any names yet?"

Noah picked up the last three strawberries on his plate, more invested in them than at the lawyer beside him. "Kind of", he responded. "I was thinking Pythos if it's a boy, after the snake warlock in Kosmic Kaos."

Courtney stared wide-eyed at Noah, as he gulped down his remaining handful of strawberries. She immediately regretted asking the question, but curiosity had peaked her interest at something.

"Dare I ask if it's a girl", she winced preparing for the most ridiculous name she could imagine.

But Noah managed to surprise her. "I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet."

Courtney's train of thought started going, so much so she didn't even notice Noah swiping the strawberries resting on her plate. "Well if you want, I do have a few suggestions."

Out of nowhere, Courtney pulled out a comically long list that dragged across the floor to Noah's feet. Almost like she had been preparing for this moment to happen. She cleared her throat and began to read.

"Well first off all, "Courtney" is a beautiful name-"

And with that, Noah immediately started to tune her out. He already knew what the rest of this list was going to be like. He looked around the room, seeing people sitting on his furniture, his friends getting drunk, and his chubby hubby talking to an eel. Deciding that it wasn’t worth pretending to pay attention, he walked over to his husband, Courtney didn't even notice as she continued on with her list.

Owen noticed Noah walking by his table and immediately pulled him for a light hug and a kiss on his forehead. "Hey buddy. I see you're enjoying the party too."

Alejandro looked over at the couple confused. To him, Noah still looked the same; bored and irritated. But Noah still nodded slightly to Owen's statement.

“Owen?” Alejandro spoke up nervously, “As you were saying?” 

Owen smiled warmly and launched into what must have been the second part of a discussion, “Look, I have no idea what your family was like. But from what you’ve told me it’s clear that you’re nothing like them. You have nothing to worry about.”

Alejandro nodded reluctantly, “I know, it’s stupid. It’s just terrifying. This is a whole new world that I know nothing about.” 

Owen placed a hand on Alejandro’s shoulder, “Hey, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ve got us to help!”

Noah, who had pressed himself up against Owen’s free arm and was slowly drifting to sleep while still standing up, jolted awake at the sentence. "He's got us?!", he asked incredulously.

"Exactly", Owen said, oblivious to the tone in Noah's voice. "And I'm sure Heather's probably feeling the same worries you are."

Noah looked over to the rest of the party, and realized there was still one person missing.

"Where is Heather anyway?", he asked. "Figured she would've at least come out for the piñata bashing."

"She's still in the bathroom", Alejandro answered. "She hasn't come out since she got the test."

“I hope she’s okay,” Owen clucked worriedly.

Heather was not okay. 

She still stared at the positive test in her hand. Even an hour later, she was still comprehending it. She was going to be a mother.

She should be excited by this right? And yet, she wasn't. She was terrified out of her mind.

They were going to be parents. She remembered her parents. Not too fondly unfortunately. Then again, how could it be when such memories included forced electroshock therapy?

She gasped. Would SHE be forced to do that with her kid too? She had no idea how parenting, or children, or any of it worked. Every child she had ever met had been a snotty brat that infuriated her to no end. And yet, she found herself strangely happy. This was a brand new opportunity that was waiting before her. Together, she and Alejandro could give their child the family they had always yearned for. 

"Hello?"

Heather's inner thoughts were interrupted when she heard knocking and Sierra's voice through the door.

"Hello? Anyone in here?"

"Sierra", Heather asked. "What are you doing?"

"Well I was on a lookout to keep Noah from coming here", she chuckled a bit. "I'm helping Duncan in our mutual goal."

Heather blinked. She didn’t know what was happening, and she much preferred that it stayed that way.

"Are you ok", Sierra asked. 

Heather sighed. "Not really."

Sierra looked concerned at her old teammate. "You want to talk about it?"

Heather looked a bit uneasy at the offered hand.

"I promise this won't go on my blog."

Heather looked shocked. Sierra NOT putting this big news on her blog? Surely the world must be ending. She motioned the blogger into the bathroom, and closed the door behind them.

Noah groaned for what seemed like the tenth time that day. He went to the refreshments table for more strawberries, but looked to find the crate was empty.

"Hey", he exclaimed in an offended tone. "What happened to all the strawberries?"

He looked over to the table with the keg for an answer. Beth was holding 2 cups of beer, Eva was stumbling with a cup in her hand, and Cody was passed out on the floor surrounded by plastic cups like a burial.

"You ate them all", Beth explained before chugging both cups down in a second. Meanwhile Eva struggled to get another drink, spilling beer on the ground in the process.

Noah scoffed. What could possibly make that farm girl think he ate so many strawberries in three hours?

He looked down on Cody's passed out body, and saw a strawberry left on his plate on the floor. So that geek DID manage to sneak one from Noah's sight. 

Noah started to bend down to grab it, only to be stopped halfway from a stomach the size of a basketball under his shirt. He struggled to get his fingers close to the strawberry, his arm hovering over the comatose man.

Unfortunately, just as his nails started to get close, Eva suddenly had plopped down on top of Cody's plate on the floor. Beer spilled all over the ground and Noah's shoes as she now lied there in drunken defeat.

"YES", Beth pumped her fist in the air, eyes clenched in excitement, and finished off another beer cup. "Mama didn't raise a lightweight!"

She opened her eyes and saw Noah half bent over, looking shocked and defeated. She came over and helped hoist him back up to standing posture, Noah not responding or protesting. She then reached her arm out to his stomach, to which Noah always instinctively whapped away.

He couldn't believe it. His last sense of joy in this party had been crushed flat by an iron woman. And in the baby's off sense of timing, started to kick again at his stomach, reminding him that he's still been waiting for Heather to get out of his bathroom.

Almost on cue to annoy him more, Courtney had caught up with him, dragging her list in her hands. "There you are! You know it's rude to walk away from helpful advice", Courtney glared, before returning back to her list. "So as I was saying, there's also "Courtneigh", spelled with e-i-g-h at the end. Oh! And definitely "Courtnee " with two e's at the end, and-"

And between the kicking, ear chatting, and buzzed out friends, Noah's social battery had officially drained.

"Alright", he interrupted Courtney and walked away and headed towards the rest of the guests. "Party's over. Izzy, pick up your girlfriend. Alejandro get your wife out of our bathroom. And somebody get Cody off our floor."

The others started talking to themselves confused, before Geoff ran out towards the pregnant man.

"Wait", the surfer said. "We can't close up shop just yet-"

"Yes you can. I let this party go on, even through the shower interruption, the forced conversations, and Chris", he said, listing on his fingers. "But I'm tired, there are no more strawberries, and I need to pee. I am done with this party now."

"Well what makes you think you can call the shots man", Chris said. "It's not even your party! 

Everyone looked at Chris "...What?"

"You can't just go cancelling somebody else's party like you own the place. Not. Cool. Dude!"

"Ok first of all this is MY apartment, second of all-", Noah argued back, before stopping for a minute. "Wait…. who's party do you think this is?"

"Well", Chris rubbed the back of his neck. "I still haven't figured that out yet, but I know one thing. It sure ain't yours."

Chef looked at his husband beside DJ, and facepalmed. He truly was married to a dumbass.

Noah glared at Chris, then turned to Geoff, his expression not once changing. "Call the party off."

Geoff sighed. "Alright. We'll pack it up."

Noah sighed in relief. Soon his house, his bathroom, and his NCIS would be back to himself.

"After", Geoff interrupted Noah's thoughts, and pointed Noah's attention to a large table struggling to stand under wrapped boxes and decorated bags. "You open up all your presents."


	3. One to Three

One’o’clock.

Noah was seated before the biggest pile of presents he had ever seen. Countless (actually about twenty) wrapped boxes and gift bags were stacked in front of him, shifting ominously every time the table shook. Owen stood behind Noah’s seat and the others pulled up chairs so they could watch. As they grabbed their folding chairs, Chef whispered to Chris, “You figure out who’s pregnant yet?” 

Chris shook his head, “No, but I figured out that it’s Noah’s birthday.” Chef muttered some words that made him glad that the only children at the party were still in the womb. 

Noah scanned the presents sitting in front of him. His eyes settled on a small paper bag stuffed in a gap between two big boxes. As he reached for it, Duncan began clapping and whooping, making it clear who it was from. Noah unwrapped the top of the bag and pulled out the two items inside-a spiked dog collar that was the same size as the one Duncan used to wear and an unboxed DVD of “The Screaming Slasher of Saskatchewan, Part 3”. Noah rolled his eyes, “Nice to see you thought long and hard about what a baby would like,” he monotoned.

“It’s never too early to watch your first horror movie,” Duncan smirked. Noah wordlessly tossed the ‘gifts’ over his shoulder, ignoring the fact that Owen caught them and placed them on an empty table. After his momma whispered something in his ear, DJ quickly exited the room, smiling from ear to ear. 

Next Noah reached for a box of considerable size. He rapidly unwrapped the gift wrap and opened the box inside, revealing a slightly smaller box. He opened that box, revealing another box. And inside that box? Yet another box. About ten boxes later he pulled out a small card that had “50% off on that mural I painted you” written on it. 

"You're welcome", Gwen said, with finger guns. Noah rolled her eyes. This sure was going off to a great start. But if all the presents were like this, his pain might be quick.

DJ came back into the room rolling a stroller. Noah had figured pretty quickly that was DJ''s gift for them, but what caught his eye was the wrapped box in the seat. The box that had holes and...and was moving?

Owen took the box from the stroller for his husband to open. They only needed to take off the bow before a small nose popped the lid off.

And there in front of them was a tiny golden corgi puppy, with a light yellow underbelly. In a rare, albeit brief, moment of openness, Noah instantly melted as he started to fawn over the puppy.

"Awww! What a little cutie", Owen gawked, petting the corgi's head. “Isn’t it a cutie?” he held the teeny puppy up to Noah’s face, brushing the dog’s nose against Noah’s. 

“It is a little cutie,” Noah monotoned, trying to hide the fact that he was smiling.

The next few presents went by in a blur. A bunch of picture books from Emma, some boxes of diapers from Lindsey and Tyler, a baby names book from Courtney (with post it notes on all her favorite choices), onesies from Harold and LeShawna, luxury pacifiers sent over by Justin, and several others that he breezed through, ignoring the straining of his full bladder. At last only two boxes remained unopened. A cardboard box with a stain near the bottom and a neatly wrapped gift box. He reached for the cardboard box first and tore it open, revealing a dozen jars filled with brown mush. Chef coughed before speaking up, “It’s baby food,” he explained. 

Noah picked up one of the jars and inspected it, “I’m not sure this can even be called food.”

“I was in a rush, man.” Chef rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. 

Rolling his eyes, Noah reached for the nicely wrapped box. He tore into it, quickly uncovering the shoebox underneath. Inside was a small orange bundle. Expecting nothing special, he held it up, unfurling to reveal a small orange hooded onesie. 

“OMG that’s so cute, Katie!” Sadie squealed, shaking Katie’s arm. 

“I know right! It’s a little dinosaur onesie!” Katie explained, noting some confusion on Noah’s face. After looking at it closer, he realized that it was in fact a dinosaur, with green spikes along the back and a tail hanging on the back. A small but sure smile formed on his face, but he quickly rescinded it when he noticed he was smiling.

"Well", Noah said, still sounding bored as ever. "Since that was the last one and a deal's a deal if you guys wouldn't mind leaving. Don't worry about the door hitting you since it's lying unhinged on our floor and-"

“Ah ah ah! Not so fast, bro”, Geoff stopped him. “Presents aren’t over yet.”

“Of course they aren’t”, Noah thought. “'That’d make this pass too quickly.”

“We still got one more surprise for you and Owen”, Bridgette added on. Just then, Katie and Sadie put their hands over Noah and Owen’s eyes. 

Noah could make out some brief hushed whispers of "easy" and "don't drop it". Sounds like whatever present they got was gonna be a heavy one to lift.

The hands were removed over his eyes and he looked in front of him bored. 

That boredness lasted all of 3 seconds before his eyes went wide. 

There in Geoff's hands he was holding a mobile. Hanging on the ends were a little tree, a bear, a gopher, a camera, and a small little cabin in the center of it all.

Noah stared at it. It wouldn’t seem like much to be impressed by, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to snark at it. In fact, he wasn’t sure what to think of it. Owen, on the other hand, knew exactly what he thought.

"Ohh, it's just like Total Drama", tears started swelling in his eyes. "You guys really didn’t have to do this! It’s just so….”, Owen struggled to find the word.

Gwen smirked at Owen, and offered a callback. “Awesome?”

That seemed to be the thing to cue the waterworks. “YES! AND SO MUCH MORE!!!”

"We're glad you like it Owen", Bridgette smiled at the large bawling man. Owen stretched his arms out and walked over to the pregnant surfer, embracing her in a gentle hug. And crying all over her shirt. She looked over to the smaller man from over Owen's shoulder. "What do you think, Noah?"

Noah was still speechless for a bit, his eyes didn't escape the mobile. 

"Guys, I….", He paused, a rare occasion where words failed him. "I don't know what to say."

Here he was, in the middle of a baby shower he didn't ask for, but his friends threw together anyway. And he was about to avoid it all, when they all came together for him and his husband and his unborn child. They came together, in his apartment univited, and door broken down. And they got him all those strawberries, and gifts. And made a custom mobile. 

Thinking about it all, suddenly, and he couldn't piece together why, he sniffled. And then felt something wet on his face. He looked down his face to see a tear trailing down his cheek. Was he crying? Why was he suddenly crying about this?

"Awww", Izzy came up from behind and pulled him in a hug. "You DO care!"

"No I don't", Noah tried to deny, sniffling a bit. I-It's probably just dust or a mood swing or something."

"Mm-hmm", Izzy said snuggling close to his neck. "Sure it is."

The group heard footsteps from the hallway. And out came Sierra and Heather walking, the latter almost immediately pulled into an embrace by Alejandro.

"Oh, FINALLY", Noah started to get up from the chair, and later succeeded with some help from Owen. "Move! Out of my way!"

And Noah started to book it, as least as fast as a lazy pregnant man can book it, nearly pushing Heather to the floor in the process.

"Hey", Alejandro protested as he caught Heather in the nick of time. "Don't do that! She's pregnant!"

"Yeah well so am I", Noah's retort trailed off as he got further into the hallway.

"Oh. My. Gosh", Chris gasped. He was so blind. So confused on who the party was for when the answer was standing right in front of him.

"This is YOUR baby shower", he moved over to Heather and Alejandro. "I won't lie, I was expecting this day sooner from you two. But better late than never right? Though it looks like Noah opened all your presents. Sorry guys."

The couple looked at each other. True, they knew their host was dense, but this was a new low.

"Oh. Also whatever Chef sent, it's from the both of us", he finger gunned before heading back to his husband.

“Soooooo…..,” Tyler piped up awkwardly, “Do we just get back to the party? Do we need to wait for Noah to come back out?”

Lindsay shrugged. 

________________________________________

Two’o’clock.

While the others were distracted by their conversations and celebrations, someone crept into the apartment under disguise. Sweating heavily in his uninsulated, purple and green spider costume, Duncan was ready to scare Noah into peeing his pants, get the picture, and collect his money from Sierra. If ten years ago someone had told him he would be doing this, he would have beat them up. He would do the same thing to someone who told him that ten hours ago, but still. “Oh Noahhhhhh,” he whispered as he crept towards the restroom, “Where arrrrrrre you?” 

Before he could reach the door, something heavy slammed into his back. Or rather, someone heavy. Ezekiel, aided by about half a dozen small dogs, body slammed Duncan to the ground, growling.

Noah walked out of the bathroom, and saw his old gold lab outside waiting for him. He bent down as much as he could to pet Ark's head before starting to walk in the hallway. He turned to find Duncan being attacked by Ezekiel and the corgis. And in a spider costume no less. What the heck was that about? 

He rolled his eyes and continued walking. No skin off his nose for whatever Duncan was doing he supposed. Plus, he had bigger fish to fry.

Noah walked out to the multitude of guests in the middle of his living room and made his way beside Geoff. "Well", he started to say, his hand wrapped around Geoff's shoulder. "This has been a lovely invasion of my privacy, but my presents are over and a deal's a deal."

"Aw dude. What's the rush in packing up so quickly?"

"Oh no rush at all. Why would you suspect that?"

Before Geoff could answer, he heard scraping and looked down to see Noah literally pushing him out the doorway. After a few seconds of awkward struggling, Geoff took the hint and patted Bridgette on the shoulder, “Sorry, babe, looks like the party’s over.”

She chuckled, “What made you think that?” While Bridgette headed for the table to gather the food they had brought, Geoff gave Noah a big thumbs up. 

“Good luck with the baby, dude, that stuff’s radical.” With that, he and Bridgette left. 

Noticing the two party people leaving and Noah’s unrelenting death glare, the other guests slowly began filing out. Before long, Katie, Sadie, Harold, Alejandro, Heather, Emma, Kitty, Sierra, Beth, and Cody were gone. Chris was adamant in staying, but Chef dragged him away. As he was carried off, he desperately screamed at Noah, “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Noah! Happy birthday to you!” 

“Birthday?” Noah, exhausted from holding the door for the guests, didn’t even bother unpacking that can of worms. 

While Lindsey headed out to pull the car around, Tyler hung back for a moment, nervously pressing his index fingers together. “Hey, uh, Noah?” he asked, “I was just, uh, wondering how, uh, you got pregnant? Since you’re a dude and all.” 

Noah facepalmed intensely, “If I tell you, will you leave?” 

“I mean…sure.” 

Noah sighed and leaned in towards Tyler ear, whispered something, then righted himself. 

Tyler’s eyes briefly glazed over from the revelation before he smiled and nodded, “Wig, okay bruh.” 

Before leaving, Courtney stopped by Duncan, who was still weighed down by Ezekiel and the dog pile. After gently shooing the dogs away and giving Ezekiel a nasty look, she helped Duncan up and pulled the spider costume head off. “There you are,” she addressed him a bit shyly.

“Did you need me for something?” Duncan was a bit confused by her talking to him. 

“Yeah. I was wondering if you wanted to drop by my house later to...talk a bit.” 

“That would be nice.” Courtney nodded at his answer and left. 

Next to leave was Gwen. Having prepared for this, he handed her the fifty dollars he owed her for the nursery painting right as she approached. “Oh hey,” he added as she left, “Thanks for the mobile. It…..was nice.” 

Gwen smiled, “Don’t thank me, thank Duncan. It was his idea.” 

________________________________________

Three’o’clock. 

With all the unwelcome guests gone, only the welcome guests remained. Eva, Izzy, Ezekiel, Duncan, DJ, and DJ’s mommas sat around the kitchen table playing cards with Owen. Having finally finished the new episode of NCIS, Noah emerged from their bedroom and approached Owen, trying his hardest to wrap his arms around him.

"So", Izzy greeted him as she picked up another card. "Was it really all that bad?"

Noah shrugged, trying to remain indifferent, but Owen could see his slightly curled lip and a small tint of glee in his eyes. 

"What was your favorite part?"

"Normally I'd say the part where it ended", Noah held his usual look of distaste, before his lips curled more into a full smile. "But seeing Chris stumble around like an idiot finding out who the party was for almost made it all worthwhile." Noticing Duncan nonchalantly playing cards, he frowned and mustered the most intimidating eye contact he could, “Hey, who said that you got to slack off? You’re on clean-up duty, pal.” 

Duncan rolled his eyes and swore under his breath, but nonetheless got up to get the mop and vacuum. As he walked away, however, Noah stopped him and broke eye contact, “Hey, uh…”

“Yeah?” Duncan paused.

“Thanks for the mobile. It’s...really cute.” 

“Y’know a good way to thank me would be to have someone else clean up.” 

“Don’t even try it. Sierra told me about how you tried to make me pee my pants.” 

“It was worth a shot", Duncan shrugged before continuing on his way to the cleaning supplies.

As Duncan walked away, Izzy stifled a yawn, “Welp, it’s about time we get going,” she nudged Eva, who was still only half-conscious from the sheer amount of drinking she had done, “Toodles!” Dragging Eva by the arm, she headed out the front door with Ezekiel close behind. 

Glancing at his mommas and receiving a nod from each, DJ grabbed the deck of cards and stuffed it back in the box before standing up, “Looks like we’ll be heading out too,” he tossed the box of cards to Owen and turned to Noah, “Congrats on the baby, dude! I can’t wait to see it.” With a fist bump to Noah and a hug to Owen, DJ left with his mommas. 

For the first time in over eight hours, Noah closed his eyes and relaxed. Finally there was nothing distracting him; he could just sit there and do nothing. Of course, right as he was about to get up and go lay down in their bedroom, he felt a strange movement in his stomach. A kick. His eyes fluttered open and he quickly turned to Owen, “The baby’s kicking!” 

Owen gasped and dashed over, hovering his hand over Noah’s stomach, “May I?” he asked hesitantly. Noah nodded and Owen placed his hand down. Both squealed when the baby kicked again. 

Noah held back a flood of tears, “Lunchbox?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“I can’t wait for this baby to come.” 

“Me neither,” Owen gingerly wrapped Noah in a hug as Noah melted, a blushing, smiling mess, into his husband’s arms. 

________________________________________

3’o’clock in the morning. 

Noah and Owen were fast asleep in their bed, Noah laying flat on his back while Owen gently rested a hand on Noah’s stomach. Duncan had disappeared before they went to bed and still wasn’t back, meaning it was the most peaceful sleep Noah had in a long time. Unfortunately, that peace was dispelled when his phone buzzed to life, signaling a call from none other but Chris. Noah fumbled for the phone and managed to answer, groggily holding it up to his ear while clenching his eyes shut, “.....hello?”

“Wait, so are you the one who’s pregnant?”

“Yes.” His voice dripped with malice. 

“Haha, gnarly dude. How’d that happen?” 

Noah’s impatience came to a boil and his eyes snapped open, “CHRIS YOU IGNORANT SLUT!” With that, he hung up and drifted back to sleep.


End file.
